


Except Because I Love You (2009)

by JennyB



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Anal Sex, Awkwardness, Community: yuletide_smut, Competition for Affection, First Time, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Possessive Sex, Rivalry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-23
Updated: 2009-12-23
Packaged: 2018-07-11 04:57:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7029670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sanzo's come to realize he cares for Hakkai.  Will he make his feelings known, or will Hakkai turn to Gojyo first?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Except Because I Love You (2009)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nytrain](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=nytrain).



> This was written for the 2009 Yuletide Smut challenge, a Saiyuki-themed writing community on Dreamwidth.
> 
> The prompt I was given was 'jealousy' with a dominating or possessive lover.
> 
> Many thanks to the great poet Pablo Neruda, and for the wonderful poem used in this story. It's not mine, but do give it a read to truly appreciate it. For convenience, here it is in its entirety:
> 
> **I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You - by Pablo Neruda**
> 
> I do not love you except because I love you;  
> I go from loving to not loving you,  
> From waiting to not waiting for you  
> My heart moves from cold to fire.
> 
> I love you only because it's you the one I love;  
> I hate you deeply, and hating you  
> Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you  
> Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.
> 
> Maybe January light will consume  
> My heart with its cruel  
> Ray, stealing my key to true calm.
> 
> In this part of the story I am the one who  
> Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,  
> Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

Sanzo was in trouble.

He didn't know when it had happened - he could narrow it down to sometime between Chang'an and the crapshack of a town they'd rolled into last night - but as he'd lain in bed, trying to sleep, the surly monk had come to realize something. Despite his best efforts, his heart wasn't as walled off as he'd thought, nor were his softer emotions buried as deeply as he'd believed. And he had Gojyo to thank for _that_ particular revelation.

He'd had the _distinct pleasure_ of rooming with the kappa that night. He couldn't recall how it had come to pass, but it had been him and the roach. He'd tried to convince himself that it wouldn't be so bad - Gojyo would wander off to fuck whatever would give him the time of day, and he'd luck out and essentially have a room to himself.

If he'd have believed in Fate, he would have thought that it was seriously out to screw him.

A little after eleven, Gojyo had sauntered back into the room, half-drunk, and had nearly gotten his head shot off when he'd propositioned the blond. Just before midnight, things had settled down, and Sanzo had drifted off to sleep. He had woken up around three to the sound of a low groan, and the soft slap of skin against skin. For a moment, he had lain still in the darkness, trying to figure out what the hell was going on, only to have his eyes widen in shock then narrow in silent fury when he realized he was listening to the kappa spanking his monkey. He had just been reaching for his gun so that he could shoot off the pervert's dick when he'd heard the redhead moan, "Yeah, just like that, 'kai. You know how to suck cock, dontchya?"

The blond had frozen at that as disbelief, dismay, and rage flashed through him in rapid succession. He'd bit back his own shudder of revulsion when the kappa finally came , and only after he'd heard the soft snoring from the other side of the room had he gotten up, left alone with his thoughts to explore those unfamiliar feelings. Tugging on his jeans and a light jacket, he'd gone outside for a walk and a smoke, trying to get his mind to stop spinning wildly off onto that tangent:

_He had feelings for Hakkai!_

He'd mulled that concept over and over in his mind, and when morning had finally come, he'd been rather quiet as they'd packed up. Of course, the requisite grouchiness had still been there, exacerbated by his lack of sleep, but ever since they'd set off, he'd been brooding silently, trying to sort out what, exactly, 'having feelings' meant.

Exhaling heavily, he turned to gaze out his side of the jeep again. What _did_ he feel? He knew it was more than like. Much more. Otherwise, he wouldn't be so pissed off by the idea of the healer with the kappa. He supposed it _could_ be love, but the emotion was too alien to him to say for certain. The one thing he _did_ know was that he wanted to spend more time with Hakkai. Personal time.

The problem was, he didn't really know how to make his intentions known without embarrassing himself or Hakkai. That, and even though he didn't _really_ think that Gojyo's little wank fantasy was true, he wasn't entirely convinced that it was just a convenient by-product of the redhead's drunken state of mind, either. Regardless, he knew he had to do something. He remembered complaining once as a boy that it wasn't fair that he always had to take extra practice, and none of the other teishis did. His master had taken him aside and said to him, " _Nothing happens to someone that he doesn't, for some reason or another, deserve. We ourselves are responsible for our own happiness and misery. We create our own Heaven and Hell. We are the architects of our own fate. It's called karma._ " It hadn't made much sense to him then, but he could see now that the trials he'd endured had simply been preparing him for the future. He smirked a little as he reached for his cigarettes. _Time to start making my own fate, then._

"Ne, Hakkai? When did you say we'd reach our next stop again?" Gojyo asked after a while.

"Hm, probably a little after four, I'd say."

"Sweet." The kappa lit up a smoke. "Then early enough that you and me could go out tonight. Want to?"

The healer chuckled. "You're not going to be looking for a, uh... _friend_ for the night?"

"Nah, just you and me."

"So you need an accomplice in a game of cards, then?"

Gojyo tsked impatiently. "No, Asswipe. Just us. Come on; it'll be fun!" The hanyou put on one of his most winsome smiles as he flirtatiously tossed his hair back over his shoulder.

Sanzo's eyes widened slightly, even as he scowled. He was fucked, and he knew it - and not in a good way, either. It figured that just when he'd finally decided to pursue something with Hakkai, the pervy, letchy, self-professed Casanova would have similar ideas.

Fuck, he hated karma.

His hold on his cigarette tightened, and he wound up crushing it in his hand, bits of tobacco and ash falling into his lap. "Shit," he muttered heatedly as he threw the remnants out the side, and then agitatedly brushed himself off. "No," he interjected gruffly before Hakkai could reply. "I need to speak to him tonight about our route and, uh...some stuff."

Gojyo arched a brow at that, and then sighed. "Figures that Mr. Stick-in-the-Ass wouldn't be up for letting us have some fun. _Gods forbid_ that anyone else _want_ to have a life beyond him."

"Do you _want_ to die?" the blond growled.

"Whatever. 'kai and I'll just room together. We can play cards and stuff."

"Like hell!" Sanzo said quickly. "I put up with you and your noises last night, and the monkey's the night before. I'll be damned if I go for the trifecta of irritation. Besides, _I'm_ paying for the room, so I'll decide!"

"Actually, the heads are."

"Fuck off."

"But I don't want to room with Gojyo!" Goku whined. "He snores, and everything of mine winds up stinking like his crappy cologne!"

"Tough shit," Sanzo snapped. "Stay with the kappa, or stay outside. I really couldn't care less." His scowl deepened. There was no way in hell he was going to let Gojyo have any alone time with the healer if he could help it. He caught the odd look the kappa was giving him, and he demanded, "You got something else to say?"

Crimson held violet for several long moments, and then Gojyo looked away. "No, I got nothing to say."

"Good. Keep it that way."

By the time they reached town, the tension in the air was quite thick, which Hakkai attributed to them being stuck together in close quarters for most of the day. He headed inside to secure some rooms while Sanzo and Gojyo smoked, only to come back outside a few minutes later. With a sheepish chuckle, he said, "Well, it would seem we're not going to have to worry about the room arrangements after all."

"What do you mean?" the blond asked, his eyes narrowing slightly.

"It's just...well, it's a very busy weekend for this town. They're having their annual lotus festival, and um...well, there weren't any singles available. There weren't two doubles, either. In fact, I'm afraid that the only room available - and the _last_ room, I might add - is their Junior Suite." He laughed a bit and scrubbed a hand through his hair.

The blond cursed lowly. "Fine then. We'll just drive through to the next town."

"But I'm hungry now- _Ow_!" Goku rubbed his head when he was cracked soundly with the harisen.

"Well, that might be a _teensy_ problem," Hakkai continued, his voice taking on that edge of a giggle that it sometimes did when he was uncomfortable. "You see, there were others waiting after me, so I uh...went ahead and booked it." He smiled wryly as he held up the key. He saw the irritated looks from Gojyo and Sanzo, and he added quickly, "But it is a very nice room. The two actual bedrooms are small, but the living room is spacious, and has a couple of fold-out couches. And there's a kitchenette, and a lovely soaking tub. And full shower facilities; I know I'm looking forward to that part."

On hearing that, Sanzo's mind immediately conjured up images of a naked, well-lathered Hakkai, and he smiled wistfully, only to frown when he saw a similar expression on Gojyo's face. Picking up his bag, he crowned the redhead with a hard swat from the harisen before turning to follow the healer and Goku, the teen already chattering away excitedly to the taller brunet.

"What the fuck was that for?" Gojyo demanded irately as he rubbed the back of his head.

"You know God damned well what it was for, you perverted roach!" the blond snapped back.

"What the hell, Sanzo? I didn't even do anything!" the hanyou insisted, his gaze flicking to the doorway to linger for a moment on Hakkai's ass. "Ow! Fuck, stop hitting me, you dickhead!"

Then stop pissing me off!"

"You're out of your fucking mind. Do you know that?" Gojyo snorted impatiently, a cloud of cigarette smoke billowing out from his nostrils as he glared at the blond. "What the hell has you so uptight anyway? The only thing I did was look at -" His words were abruptly aborted as crimson eyes widened slightly. "Well holy shit!" he drawled, a smug smirk settling on his face when he saw Sanzo look away from him. "Hn. So the shitty priest has a thing for Hakkai, ne?" He snickered softly. "Yeah, like a prick like you would even stand a chance - _especially_ when you're up against me and the irresistible Sha charm."

The blond's head snapped back to meet Gojyo's eyes, and he glared daggers at him. "Right, because you're such a fucking prize to start with, what with your slovenly ways, and foul table manners, and your inability to keep your dick in your pants whenever we pull into a new town. And as for the _Sha charm_ , Hakkai's not one of your brainless bimbos who's going to listen to your bullshit lines and actually believe you're all that." With that, he turned on his heel to head into the inn, only to find the redhead falling into step beside him. Sanzo glanced sidelong at him and scowled. The idea of having to 'compete' over Hakkai as if he were some prize to be won didn't sit well with Sanzo. And, though he'd never admit it out loud, the idea of Gojyo being involved _at all_ made him very uneasy. Hakkai wasn't stupid, and given that Sanzo felt like a bumbling idiot when it came to things like this, and that the kappa had all the subtlety of a brick, he knew it wouldn't take long before the healer figured out that something was going on. And he'd likely be mad. He sighed inwardly in irritation as he glanced once more at Gojyo. He briefly contemplated killing the hanyou outright and removing the current source of his ire, but there would be other Gojyos waiting to take the pervert's place. Better to deal with the moron he knew.

As he entered the suite, Sanzo could see that Hakkai hadn't been exaggerating when he'd said the room was nice. It was a bit more luxuriant than he usually liked, but it didn't have the flashy, ostentatious feel to it that usually made him uncomfortable. Goku was sprawled on the couch and looking up wide-eyed at the healer, who was currently reading some of the festival literature to him. When the green-eyed male saw him, he paused and gave him a smile.

"I was beginning to wonder where the two of you had disappeared to!" he remarked. "It's too bad we can't stay here for even one day. It looks like a lot of fun."

"Yeah, they've got tons of food vendors, and games, and all kinds of cool things to do. Can we, Sanzo? _Please_?" The teen's eyes shone excitedly as he looked up at the priest.

The blond's gaze shifted from Goku to Hakkai, and then to the kappa, and he shrugged. "If you want to stay for one day, I guess we can do that."

Goku cheered, and Hakkai gave the blond a soft look. "Thank you, Sanzo. I know this will mean so much to Goku."

"Yeah, thanks, Sanzo," Gojyo drawled, and he gave the blond a smirk. "Since we're not going to be rolling out of here at the crack of dawn tomorrow, we can put off your little routing chat with Hakkai, and he can go out with me tonight after all."

The blond's eyes widened. _Damn it!_ he thought to himself as he seethed silently inside. The kappa was going to pay - he'd make certain of that.

* * *

Over the next few months, the rivalry between Sanzo and Gojyo grew. More often than not, Gojyo was able to manipulate the situation to where he would get Hakkai to himself for an evening - a fact that pissed Sanzo off to no end, especially considering that the hanyou still chased skirt on the side. And, Sanzo had been forced to return to rotating through roommates. He and Goku had just happened to catch a cold at the same time, and Hakkai had suggested that they room together. After Gojyo had piped up with an innuendo-laced, "Unless you can think of a reason _not_ to, Sanzo-sama!" the blond had had no choice but to relent. Although, every time the kappa roomed with Hakkai (which was as little as possible if he could help it!) Sanzo would sleep like shit. He'd lie awake, and with every noise wonder if the hanyou was finally making his move. He hated the redhead for the power he held over the blond to make him worry like that, and he hated _him_ solely on principle. 

It wasn't that he doubted that Gojyo cared about the healer. On some fucked up level, he knew that the two of them were like brothers - hell, probably even more than that. But he loathed that Hakkai would just be another conquest for the hanyou - a convenient fuck for when the bars proved to be lacking. And he dreaded to think of what effect all that would have on Hakkai. The demon had such a warped sense of himself and of what he deserved to begin with that Sanzo truly believed he'd willingly accept such a shitty arrangement. He'd believe Gojyo when he told him that the girls meant nothing, and that he was the only guy, if only to have _someone_ who seemed to give a damn about him. It made the blond beyond angry to even think about it, and when he'd see Hakkai buy into the bullshit on occasion, he'd have to leave and go for a walk.

Still, despite how often the redhead was able to undermine him and wind up making the blond feel foolish, the priest wasn't without his own victories. He still laughed whenever he thought about the time Gojyo had agreed to keep an eye on the apple pie Hakkai had been baking while the healer had gone into town for beer, cigarettes, and a few other sundries. Sanzo had discretely cranked the temperature up on the oven while the other had napped, and by the time the kappa had realized something was wrong, the room had been full of smoke, and everything had been burned beyond the point of being edible. Even his good pie plate had been burned and warped so badly that it was beyond use, and the sugar that had boiled over in the oven had made one hell of a mess. Sanzo had felt a little guilty for ruining something of Hakkai's, but some casualties had to be expected in battle. Besides, he'd had the added bonus of looking completely innocent and of getting to hear the furious brunet lecture a very cowed Gojyo on responsibility. 

He'd also slipped a couple of pairs of lacy women's panties and a condom into the laundry - items that would point directly to the hanyou and his lack of consideration. Hakkai had, again, been angry upon discovering the items, and he had confronted the kappa about them. Sanzo had noticed the disappointment in Hakkai's eyes even if the healer hadn't said that their presence had bothered him. All he had said was that it was unhygienic, and that while he was glad to know that the other was being safe, he didn't need to see the proof for himself. Sanzo had chalked that one up to a half-victory.

It wasn't all one-upmanship. He still couldn't bring himself to actually _say_ what he wanted, but he hoped that, through all of this, Hakkai had managed to pick up on at least _some_ of the subtle hints he'd been leaving. Part of the reason for his covert behaviour was that he felt awkward whenever he had an 'audience', and Goku and Gojyo both seemed to have a sixth sense for showing up and hanging around when their presence was neither warranted nor welcomed. He hadn't had as much time alone with the healer as he would have liked, but he was hoping that after tonight, Hakkai would at least understand how he felt. It was the demon's birthday, and he had a few things planned. With luck, he'd be able to do what he wanted to without Gojyo fucking everything up.

He'd gone out early that morning and had made a few arrangements. He was fairly confident that the redhead had no idea what day it was, and he was looking forward to surprising Hakkai - and to a lesser degree, making the kappa look like a thoughtless twat. When he returned to their suite - he'd found it was easier for him to keep an eye on the hanyou when they were both under the same roof - he saw Hakkai in the kitchen, peeling vegetables. "What are you doing?" he asked after he'd made a quick stop in the living room, his brow furrowing a little in curiosity.

"Oh. I thought it might be nice to have a stir-fry for dinner tonight."

Sanzo smirked a little, knowing that the dish was the healer's favourite. "Can it keep until tomorrow?" he asked.

Hakkai frowned a little in confusion, but nodded. "Yes, though I thought you enjoyed stir-fry."

"I do. I just think it would be better if you didn't cook today. I found a restaurant that does a chicken in black bean sauce. And if we add a little lo mein and some dumplings..."

Hakkai chuckled a little as he started wrapping up the items on the counter. "Mm, all my favourites," he said as he gave the blond a small wink. "What's the occasion? We usually eat in if we have the facilities to cook for ourselves."

"I know what day it is, Hakkai. And I want you to have an enjoyable one," he said quietly.

"Looks like someone's been doing his homework," Hakkai teased. The food had been put away and he was now wiping the counter off.

The blond arched a brow at that, but he did smirk. "Believe it or not, I do pay attention to things - even if I don't always appear to be. I think it's a trait inherent to Sanzo priests," he said with a wry grin. "Koumyou was a master at it." His expression turned a little awkward then, and he added, "I made a reservation for seven. It's late enough that we'll miss the crowds, but not so late that the monkey will start bitching."

"That should be just fine," Hakkai replied, and when Sanzo went into the living room to read the paper, the brunet followed, only to stop and smile widely when he saw a vase of flowers on the coffee table. Not just flowers, but a bouquet of white snapdragons intermixed with sprigs of pussy willow. His gaze shifted to an open book on the table, and that made him frown slightly. However, before he could take a closer look, the door swung open and in walked Goku and Gojyo.

"Hey, cool flowers!" Goku said as he squeezed one of the blossom's 'cheeks' and made the 'dragon's' mouth open.

"Kind of a stupid thing to buy, don't you think, 'kai?" the redhead remarked. "I mean, it's not like we can take them with us when we leave tomorrow." He didn't see the way Sanzo's grip tightened on his paper.

"Hey, what's this?" Goku asked as he reached for the book on the coffee table. "Ah, cool! Naruto! I love that manga!"

Before he could grab it, Sanzo moved, giving the teen a swat with the harisen as he snatched the book up. "How many times have I told you not to touch shit that doesn't belong to you?"

"But Sanzo," Goku whined as he rubbed his head. "I thought you might have left it for me!"

"And why the hell would I do something like that?" the priest growled.

"I dunno. To be nice?" He gave Gojyo a shove when the redhead started to snicker. "Shut up, Gojyo! Who the hell else likes Naruto around here _besides_ me? How was I supposed to know Sanzo liked it, too?"

"It didn't say 'Naruto' you illiterate primate!" Sanzo said, his eyes narrowing slightly. "It said 'Neruda', as in the name of the -" He cut himself off when he looked at the kappa, and he swore inwardly. He knew he'd never hear the end of it now. "He's a Chilean poet," he muttered.

As expected, Gojyo burst into laughter at that. "Poetry? The bad-assed priest reads _poetry_? What kind of loser faggot is into that shit?"

"Like a degenerate asshole like you has any right to be lecturing me on my hobbies!" The blond got to his feet and disappeared into his room. When he came back out, he had a cigarette between his lips. "I'm going for a smoke. We're going for dinner at seven. If you two morons do anything to get on my nerves between now and the end of the meal, I'll kill you both." His gaze shifted to Hakkai. "If the stupidity in here becomes too much to bear, you can join me if you want to."

"Thank you," Hakkai said as he gave the blond a soft smile. "I just may do that." He waited until Sanzo had stepped out into the hallway and closed the door, and then he turned to Gojyo. Though the smile widened a little, his eyes turned cold. "Just so you know, there's nothing wrong with a man liking poetry. _I_ happen to like it, too. And that particular volume of Sanzo's once belonged to Koumyou. It's rather important to him."

"How the hell do you know that?" Gojyo asked, shifting a little uncomfortably under Hakkai's gaze.

The brunet rolled his eyes. "He only talks about it _all the time_. It's something he keeps very close to him." That thought sent a wave of disappointment through the healer. He'd always wanted to take a look through it, but hadn't wanted to ask. And he was very curious to know the poem Sanzo had marked. It probably wouldn't have fazed Goku or Gojyo, but from all the times he'd tidied up after them, Hakkai _knew_ that the priest _never_ left a book open or a paper unfolded when he wasn't reading it. The fact that he had made Hakkai think that the blond had _wanted_ him to see it, for whatever reason.

"I don't get why you're so pissed at me, Hakkai," Gojyo said. "Hell, we all say shit like that to each other all the time!"

"I know." Hakkai sighed heavily. "But you have to understand that saying what you did to him would be no different than you saying something insulting about Kanan to me. I know you didn't know, and I’m not going to force you, but you really should apologize."

Gojyo thought about that for a moment. If he did apologize, Hakkai would just eat that sort of behaviour up. On the other hand, he sure as fuck didn't want to apologize to the blond and see the smug, superior look on the other's face. It was as good as admitting that he'd fucked up - which he, admittedly, did _a lot_ \- but he'd be damned if he'd give the priest the satisfaction. He was saved from having to reply by a knock to the door, and giving the brunet a non-committal grunt, he got up to go answer it. He arched a brow when he saw a deliveryman standing there. "Yeah?"

"Got a package for Cho Hakkai."

The kappa frowned. "I'll sign for it. Who's it from?"

"Beats me, dude. I just deliver them. It's from the candy shop, though."

"Candy, huh? Thanks, man." Gojyo handed the courier back his pen, and then took the package, giving the guy a smile and then closing the door before the guy could ask for a tip. Curious, he thumbed open the small card, years of playing poker having made his fingers nimble enough to where he could do it discretely. _Happy Birthday, Hakkai_ Gojyo's eyes widened. _Shit!_ He'd completely forgotten about his friend's birthday - again - and wasn't he going to look like the insensitive prick! Suddenly, he smirked. Or was he? Plastering a smile on his face, he turned to Hakkai. "Happy birthday!" he said enthusiastically. "I didn't want to say anything until it came, but here - I hope you like it!" With that, he handed the box over to the brunet.

Hakkai smiled at that, and he graciously accepted the parcel, playing along despite knowing that Gojyo was lying. "That was very thoughtful of you. Thank you." He unwrapped the box, and his smile widened when he saw it was Dragon's Beard candy - a rare treat and his absolute favourite. "How did you know?"

The hanyou shrugged. "Just a hunch."

"That's a hell of a hunch, considering I haven't had any in years." Hakkai set the gift down and looked seriously at the redhead. "Right. I know you're lying, Gojyo. Do you really think I'm that stupid and wouldn't recognize Sanzo's handwriting? Or that I couldn't hear you speaking to the deliveryman at the door? What's going on?"

Gojyo swore under his breath, and shifted uncomfortably. He knew it had been a risky move on his part, but he'd had to try, and he'd gotten busted for it. "I just didn't want you to think that he cared more than me."

Hakkai frowned a little in confusion. "Gojyo, you've never acknowledged my birthday in all the time I've known you. I wasn't expecting anything, really."

"Yeah, maybe, but I like you too, 'kai. And I think you think the same of me."

"Gojyo, what are you - mmph!" Green eyes widened in shock as he was grabbed and pulled into a hungry embrace.

At that particular moment, Sanzo came back, feeling slightly disappointed that Hakkai, once again, hadn't joined him. He just hoped that he'd beat the courier back. His melancholy mood turned to hurt and disbelief when he saw the two kissing, and he just stood there, open-mouthed, and watched for a moment. "What the fuck?"

Hakkai managed to push the hanyou away from him, and he stared incredulously at his friend, his breaths coming in shallow pants as he slowly licked his lower lip. "Yes, that's a very good question!"

"Come on, Hakkai," Gojyo purred, attempting to make his voice sound slightly seductive. "You know I like you, and you have to have figured out by now that I want us to be more than friends. You know, 'friends with benefits'?"

The brunet arched a brow. "Oh, I see," he said coolly. "And after everything we've talked about, you honestly think that I would want such a _relationship_?"

Gojyo dropped the sultry lover routine, and blinked at him curiously. "But I've been trying to score with you ever since that night we drank all that sake, and then you held my hair back while I puked in the alley. I mean, you laughed, but you still did it. And then you said you'd do me."

Hakkai and Sanzo both looked horrified by that revelation, but it was the brunet who spoke. "No, you propositioned me, and I said the day I'd do you would be the day you'd do Sanzo, too!" he remarked, his voice slightly clipped. "You were drunk! I hardly thought you were being serious!"

"But I was. Ever since...July? You seemed kind of into it. And I just wanted to score with you before Sanzo could. He wants you too, you know."

Hakkai flushed, Sanzo looked about ready to murder the hanyou, and Goku, wisely, had the sense to hightail it to his room before the shit hit the fan and he was caught in the crossfire. The healer glanced at the gifts on the table, and thought about the things he and Sanzo had talked about over the past few months. Then he turned to the blond. "Is that true, Sanzo?" he asked stiffly. "Have you also been pursuing me?"

The blond didn't know how this could possibly get any worse. But he knew better than to try to mislead him. "No, it's not true," he said stiffly. "Not entirely."

"Well then, please tell me which part _is_ true. I'd like to know what to be angry at you about, if you don't mind."

"I was trying to get your attention," Sanzo admitted. "But between feeling like I was competing with Gojyo and my own in-"

"It was a _competition_?" Hakkai exclaimed in disbelief, interrupting the blond, who mentally facepalmed at the use of the completely wrong word. "Something like that I might have expected from Gojyo, but not from you!" He was obviously hurt, and he stood silently fuming for a moment, his lips pressed together in a thin line. "Don't. Please," he said as he held up a hand to silence the priest when he went to speak. "I'd rather not talk to either of you right now." With that, he turned and went to his room.

Sanzo watched the retreating form, and when he heard the soft click of the door, he felt worse than if the other would have slammed it. For what seemed like an eternity, he just stared at the wooden barrier, and then his gaze shifted slowly to Gojyo, a little spark of rage igniting inside of him as he looked at the redhead.

The kappa, too, looked somewhat shocked by Hakkai's departure, but after a moment, he shrugged a little. "It never works with friends. Things always wind up weird afterwards." He turned to face the blond. "He'll get over it in a day or so, and he’ll act like nothing happened. He did when Banrei propositioned him." Gojyo's expression turned thoughtful, and he frowned a little. "Of course, he also beat the living shit out of him for it, but then again, he wasn't really friends with him, either." He shrugged again. "It's best to just leave him be; he needs the time to work it out in that fucked up brain of his. But you'll see. It'll be cool. Though if you want my advice, forget about 'kai. He's kind of twitchy about casual sex. I probably should have remembered that."

That tiny flame grew exponentially as Sanzo listened to Gojyo speak, and by the time the hanyou had finished, the priest was beyond furious. His hands were balled into tight fists as he tried to keep from trembling from the force of his emotions, but the last comment made something inside of him snap. With a low growl, he decked the kappa with a hard left to the jaw, garnering only minimal satisfaction from seeing him stumble back and fall over the couch. "You stupid roach," he seethed, his voice dangerously low. "You don't have a fucking clue, do you? Get one thing through that retarded kappa pea brain of yours - you and I are _nothing_ alike, we're not 'kindred spirits' in all of this, and I don't give a shit about your speculations, reminiscing, or advice. Just shut the fuck up, and if you're smart, you'll stay the fuck out of my way, because it's not a threat this time. I swear to the gods, if you get in my face again, if you say something stupid, hell, if you so much as _breathe_ on me wrong, I am going to kill you with my bare hands." He glowered at him for a moment, violet eyes narrowed to hateful slits, and then he went to his own room and he _did_ slam the door.

It made him feel a little better.

For the next twenty minutes, Sanzo alternated between chain smoking in front of his open window and pacing around his small room like a caged tiger. At some point, he heard the front door open and close, and since he hadn't heard the other doors, he assumed that Gojyo had gone out. Not that he cared, really. He reached for his cigarettes, only to crumple the pack in his fist when he saw that it was empty. If he wanted more, he'd have to venture out into the living room. However, his wounded pride proved to be a stronger force than his nicotine craving, and he spent another ten minutes silently pacing and brooding. He hated how stupid he felt about the way everything had gone down, and it pissed him off that after all his careful planning, everything had blown up in his face just before he could tell Hakkai the truth - the whole truth - behind everything. He loosed a bitter snort of amusement. _Karma's a bitch,_ he thought to himself. _Tell me, Master, what did I do to deserve this? Hakkai's in hiding and not speaking to me. The kappa's fucked off to who knows where - probably to drink himself stupid. The monkey will be in here in a minute to bitch about wanting dinner, and I don't -_ Suddenly, his eyes widened, and he smirked a little. "Fuck me," he muttered to the empty room, and catching sight of Koumyou's book, he picked it up, running his fingers lightly over the binding. "Maybe there's some truth to that whole _master of my own destiny_ crap after all." Tucking it under his arm, he went and knocked on Goku's door. When the teen answered, he gave him a small half-smile. "You ok?"

Goku gnawed at his lower lip for a moment as golden eyes gazed up at the blond. "Yeah, I'm alright. But I'm worried about -"

"Let me worry about it. I want you to go down to the hotel restaurant and charge whatever to the room. It's dinnertime, ne?"

At the mention of food, Goku grinned a little. "Well, I didn't want to say anything, but I _was_ getting kind of hungry."

"Then quit flapping your lips and go eat before I change my mind and make you wait until breakfast."

Goku's eyes widened in horror at that thought. "But breakfast is so far away!" he protested, even as he went to get his shoes, hopping slightly on one foot as he tugged them on. "What about you?"

"I'll get something later." He was trying very hard not to lose patience with the boy for his dawdling. But, his words seemed to appease the teen, and Goku left, murmuring happily to himself about everything he was going to order. Sanzo dreaded what that bill would be like, given the fact that he'd just sent the monkey off essentially unsupervised, but it would be worth it for the time he'd just bought himself. Steeling his jaw, he made his way to Hakkai's door and knocked. When the call went unacknowledged, he knocked again. When he still received no reply, he took a deep breath and entered the room, closing the door behind him. Hakkai was sitting on the far side of his bed with his back to the blond, his posture unnaturally stiff as he gazed out the window.

The brunet didn't bother to turn around. "It's impolite to enter someone's room without an invitation, Sanzo," he said, his voice slightly strained.

"You've done it to me enough. I thought I'd repay the favour," the blond replied, and he saw Hakkai's posture tense even further. A long moment of silence passed between them, and Sanzo was about to speak again when Hakkai turned just a little.

"Touché. I'll endeavour to be more considerate in the future." There was another pause, and then he turned back to the window. "I thought I'd made it quite clear that I didn't wish to speak to you."

Sanzo bristled a little. He could hear the anger creeping back into Hakkai's voice; it was never a pleasant thing to be on the receiving end of that. "Fine. Don't speak. I want you to listen anyway." When the other didn't respond, he moved to the side of the bed, and then he exhaled heavily before proceeding. "Look, I know what Gojyo said, and it was a misunderstanding. I want to explain. Tell you the whole story."

There was a low, warning growl from Hakkai, the sound reminiscent of a large, angry cat. He got to his feet and turned to face the other, his arms crossed in front of him. "Oh? There's more?" he asked tartly. "And what would that be? Did the two of you place a wager or something?" His expression turned cold and he smirked bitterly. "Well, I guess you won, Sanzo. After all, I still am indebted to you for what you did with the Sanbutsushin."

Sanzo's eyes widened and his blood ran cold as Hakkai threw down his accusation. He felt as if he'd been slapped in the face, and his first instinct was to cut his losses and walk away. But his legs refused to obey the command, and he just stood there, mutely. He felt the gentle weight of the book in his hand, and it was that, coupled with his desire to not leave things as they stood - with Hakkai so obviously humiliated, angry, and completely _misinformed_ \- that stayed him. Barely. And, even though he knew that the other was just lashing out, it didn't mean it didn't piss him off. His lips curled down into a scowl as his eyes narrowed, and before the healer could react, or say another word, he'd grabbed the brunet by the front of his shirt and had jerked him closer so that they were standing nearly nose-to-nose. "I don't like where you're going with this, Hakkai," he hissed. "Before this goes any further, I want to know - I want you to tell me right now - do you really believe I would use my position to take advantage of you like that?" He gave the brunet a firm shake. "Well?"

The suddenness of the movement and the abrupt shift in Sanzo's demeanour caught Hakkai by surprise, and seemed to shock him out of his anger. As he met the furious violet, he could see the undercurrent of hurt, and it was a few moments before he could answer. His own eyes clouded, and he dropped his gaze. "No, Sanzo," he said quietly. "You've never pressed that advantage with me before, and you've always been respectful towards me. I'm sorry for what I said; it was rude." He smiled a little, the expression wavering slightly. "But I don't know _what_ to think. Suddenly, I find out that my two best friends are attracted to me sexually, that they've been stringing me along for some time now...it's mortifying to be thought of in that manner. Even more so now that Goku knows, too."

Sanzo relaxed his hold, but he didn't release him. " _Gojyo_ said that. _I_ didn't."

Hakkai's eyes widened, and he could feel the blush. "So you _don't_ think of me in that way? Oh dear...somehow, that's even more embarrassing."

Sanzo smiled a little. "I didn't say that, either. It's...different."

The brunet's brow furrowed in confusion. "I-I'm sorry, Sanzo, but I'm not following you."

"Hakkai, sit." When the healer didn't move, Sanzo pushed down on his shoulder until he was seated on the edge of the bed. He took a deep breath, his fingers lightly stroking over the cover of the leather-bound volume he held in his hands. "Do you remember the book?" When Hakkai arched a brow, he held it up. "The book! The book! Do you remember how it was sitting on the table?"

A bit of light entered Hakkai's eyes. "Yes. Yes, you had left it open. I'd assumed it was done deliberately. To something by Neruda, ne?"

The blond nodded, and he flipped to the page - not that he needed to look. He had the entire thing memorized by now. Sill, he wanted the distraction and a reason to not have to make eye contact with the brunet. He cleared his throat, and though he could feel an uncomfortable heat creeping into his cheeks, he started to read. " _I do not love you except because I love you..._ " When he reached the third stanza, he closed the book and set it aside, and by the time he was finishing the fourth and final one, he'd sat down next to the other. "I hadn't exactly planned on reading it to you. But I was hoping that you might put it all together when you saw it."

Hakkai just sat there in stunned silence for several moments, his eyes unnaturally bright in the dim light of the room. "Sanzo..." He was vaguely aware of the priest making some self-disparaging remark, though when he felt the shift of weight and realized the other was getting up, he used his youkai reflexes to grab his wrist. "Don't go. Please?" When the blond sat back down, he released his hold. "You-you _love_ me? But... _why_?"

"I don't know if I love you, Hakkai," Sanzo said quietly, again focusing on his hands. "I know I feel _something_ for you, but I don't know what to call it. Maybe it's love. Maybe it's something else. But I can tell you what it _isn't_. It's not lust, or a one-time thing, or a convenient fuck. It's not Gojyo's definition. And it's not something that I'll let hurt you. It's not something I want to give up, but I would try to find a way if this bothers you." He looked up then, and when he saw that the healer's head was bowed slightly, he tipped his chin up. Forcing himself to hold the other's gaze, he spoke candidly. "I don't know why, and I don't know when, but what I do know is that I won't be happy unless you're around. I _need you_ , Hakkai. My most trusted confidant, my voice of reason, my best friend." He leaned in close and touched his lips to the brunet's, his hand moving back to briefly tangle in the wild tresses as he deepened the kiss just a little. When he sat back, he slowly licked his lower lip, and then turned slightly darkened eyes to the other. "You're just... _mine_."

Hakkai's breath hitched in his throat and his eyes lidded slightly at the sultry growl of those three words. After Kanan, he'd had people _want_ him, but he'd never had anyone want _him_ , and as his pulse raced, he was rather surprised to find that the idea of being possessed pushed some of his kink buttons. "Yours, ne?" he breathed, and he felt a pleasured shiver run through him. "Show me?" he murmured, dropping his gaze and giving the priest a demure look.

Sanzo groaned inwardly. By his very nature, Hakkai was probably one of the most sensual beings he knew, but seeing him acting coy and submissive was almost _too_ erotic, and his body responded in kind. "Are you sure, Hakkai?" the monk asked as he lightly traced along his brow with his fingertips. "I know it hasn't exactly been the best evening, and this all just looks... _convenient_. If you're not of the same mindset as me, then I won't. I can't." He dropped his gaze and shrugged. "We're both carrying around a lot of baggage from our pasts. The last thing I want to do is to add to it because I'm having some kappa-esque thoughts. It has to be on _our_ terms."

"Sanzo." Hakkai smiled gently as he reached up and removed his glasses, setting them on the nightstand. "I...feel _something_ for you, too. That's why I was so upset tonight. I didn't want you to be another Gojyo - someone who loves me, but whose crushes wax and wane. But you made me see that you're not. The very fact that you're sitting here with me now proves that. So please, show me. I give you my word that I'll ask you to stop if I feel it's necessary."

"Hakkai..." Sanzo shifted their positions a little so that he could ease them both back onto the mattress, and as he drew the other into his arms, he whispered, "I won't let anyone hurt you any more. Not even me." His mouth met Hakkai's, and as they kissed, he tried to convey through action and touch everything he couldn't put into words. His hands wended their way into the silky, dark tresses, and he found the feel of lithe fingers in his own and against his scalp very sensual. Emboldened by the other's response to his kisses, he mouthed along Hakkai's jaw, and he very slowly and carefully trailed his tongue over the three silver clips on the demon's ear. He gasped softly at the pleasurable jolt that ran through his body, and when he heard the low, drawn-out growl from the brunet, he knew the other liked it, too. He repeated the gesture, and when the demon tipped his head back, his lips slightly parted, Sanzo moved on to his throat.

The blond pressed a soft kiss to his pulse point, and then licked along the cord in his neck, dipping his head lower to scrape his teeth lightly over the tender flesh before suckling gently. Hakkai writhed and mewled beneath him, his body arching up a little for more contact, and by the time Sanzo had finished working his mark and had pulled away, he could feel his cock straining against his jeans. "Mine," he whispered as he let his fingers skim down the length of Hakkai's torso, and after palming over the bulge at his groin, he slipped his hand underneath the hem of his shirt.

Questing digits toyed with the hypersensitive skin on Hakkai's belly, then travelled upwards, seeking out a pebbled nipple and tweaking it. Sanzo was rewarded with a wanton moan, and as his nails rasped firmly down his side and escaped the confines of the garment, he sat up a little. Giving the brunet a rare, soft smile, he tugged off Hakkai's top, his own joining it on the floor a moment later. Deftly, he worked open the demon's belt, and after lowering the zipper, he tugged both trousers and boxers off. "Oh fuck..." For a moment, he let his gaze travel over the pale, creamy skin, his eyes lingering on the brunet's erection. Hakkai was, in a word, gorgeous, and the slight flush of arousal seemed to make his skin glow in the early dusk. Licking his lips, he removed the rest of his own clothing, and after asking Hakkai where he kept some lotion, he retrieved it before rejoining the other on the bed.

He spread a generous amount of cream on his fingers, and as he exhaled tremulously, he lightly traced around the virgin opening before sliding his finger inside. He felt Hakkai tense a little, and he murmured soothingly as he kissed along his chest, occasionally drawing a nipple between his lips and flicking his tongue over the swollen bud. It wasn't long before he felt the brunet relax, and when he did, he carefully added a second digit. Scissoring lightly, he moved to kiss the demon, his tongue lazily mapping out every surface while he gently finger-fucked him. He continued with his careful ministrations until he had three digits inside, and pressing in deeper, he was rewarded with a low keen when he struck the other's prostate. He maintained the pleasurable torture until Hakkai whimpered for more. Giving him a hungry kiss, he eased his fingers free and murmured, "On your hands and knees."

While Hakkai got into position, Sanzo took the time to thoroughly coat his own weeping cock with lotion, and he hissed at the cool sensation against his heated flesh. He groaned lowly at the sight of the brunet open and waiting for him, and as he knelt behind him, he moaned softly at the feel of the heat radiating from the other. Lightly, he caressed along his spine and over the curve of his ass, finally grasping his hips and holding tight as he slowly pushed inside. Hakkai was hot and tight, and it took every ounce of restraint for Sanzo to wait for him to adjust.

Hakkai hissed softly as he was penetrated, an intense burning sensation settling in his lower back. He felt a comforting hand rubbing small circles on his spine, and it wasn't long before the discomfort abated, and then there was only Sanzo, and him, and they were together. He clenched his jaw as the priest eased back, and he whimpered softly on the next thrust, but after a few more times, it started to feel _very good_. "Oh!" he gasped, and licking his lips, he rocked back a little, a soft, pleasured cry escaping him when he felt the other's cock against his prostate.

Sanzo knew he wouldn't last very long, and as he continued to thrust with long, slow movements, he brought a hand around to stroke Hakkai's shaft, adding a small twist at the end. The blond seemed able to anticipate the brunet's needs, instinctively giving him a deeper touch, or a harder stroke before he could voice it. He was attuned to every whimper and mewl, and as he felt a tightening in the pit of his stomach, he leaned forward, pressing his body against the demon's and kissing the side of his neck. He thrust in hard and deep a few times as he neared his completion, and finally, with a gruff whisper of, "Mine!", he came, pulling the other back against him as he bit down on his shoulder, marking him again.

Hakkai's breaths were coming in quick, shallow pants. Sanzo was very attentive, and he liked having the other tending to _his_ needs. His breath caught when he felt the additional pressure to his cock, though it was the combination of the bite and the possessive word that pushed him over the edge. Starbursts exploded behind his eyes as a powerful orgasm tore through him, his seed pulsing in hot rivulets over the blond's fist. When he finally came down, he leaned back against the priest, panting heavily, but smiling. "Give me a minute and I'll get us something to clean up."

"No." Carefully, Sanzo eased himself free from the other, and then stretched out next to him. "You're going to take a shower. It'll help your back feel better. And while you do that, I'll clean myself up, order us some dinner, and go have a smoke." He pressed a kiss to Hakkai's forehead. "So you're just going to suck it up and deal."

Hakkai loosed a breathless chuckle. "Yes, Sir," he teased, and as he lightly nuzzled the blond's cheek with his nose, he said, "Thank you."

Sanzo arched a brow. "For what? If you're thanking me for sex -"

The brunet laughed. "No, not for that! For everything else - for the birthday presents, for wanting to take care of me." He smiled softly. "For not walking away when you, by rights, should have."

"Oh." The blond felt his cheeks heat, and he was grateful that his afterglow masked the additional flush. "I don't think that I could have even if I'd tried." It was the truth. And now that he had the healer, he had no intentions of letting him go. Ever. He smirked a little. He was looking forward to having a chat with the kappa and telling him in no uncertain terms that he'd personally break his balls if he so much as _thought_ anything inappropriate about Hakkai. "Come on, let's get you into the shower before the monkey gets back and starts being a pain in the ass."

He got Hakkai situated in the bathroom, and after cleaning himself up, he ordered the meal he'd promised, plus a few extra orders of dumplings and noodles for Goku. He figured that he and Hakkai would be able to talk quasi-privately if the teen was off somewhere contentedly stuffing his face. Once he was down on the street, he lit up his cigarette, taking a deep drag as he glanced up at the night sky. He was still uncertain about a lot of things, but he knew that his feelings were right, and that inside, he was happy.

He had Hakkai.

And from where he stood, it seemed that karma had worked out alright after all.


End file.
